Phoenix

So I'm nearing the time of having to go back to work again. I was off for most of the year last year having to take too much time off for surgery and followups due to my endo. It was a blessing in a *huge* way because I was in so much pain all the time because of the endo and intestine inflammation. 


My thoughts about time off and going back to work in another post.... :)


I'm going thru a major house cleanup right now...I want to get rid of all the extra junk we've been carting around for almost 10 years, from high school, to university to now. Lol, I even have some favourite shirts from grade 7.


We had moved into this apartment because it is a great size, in a wonderful safe neighbourhood, with two bedrooms..one that could become a nursery since we knew we might be here for baby's first year. But now that second bedroom has become a storage room! Sometimes it's really neat, the neatest room in the house because it's barely used. Other times, it's so incredibly messy so we can hide everything in their. We've been okay with this, because we really enjoy this complex. Our backyard, literally 30 seconds away is Lake Ontario, with miles of secluded beach on one side and lots of off-leash space for my pup and all his friends on the other. So we've been mildly okay with the landlord raising rent every year without the maintenance to back it up. 


But then we got our news about IVF being our only method of having our babies, and the difference in rent price from a 2 bedroom to a 1 bedroom suddenly seems significant. So I'm starting to look and see where we can go, while staying in this neighbourhood and, honestly, not downsizing to some craptacular apartment that smells funny with no natural light (we have huge windows here, and privacy).


So I'm going thru all old boxes and suitcases of old clothes, closets, anything to see how much I can get rid of to move to a smaller space. 


And now the reason for this post.


While emptying out my dresser drawers, I found a packet of condoms. And i just felt a stab thru my heart. That I could just throw these away, not in a happy way that we were trying ourselves, but that we would never, never need to use this, no matter how many times we made love, never again. It's painful.


And so stupid and ironic. That we tried so hard to not get pregnant all those years. That we used them after my surgery until I was fully healed, then I was in pain again. Seeing them now seems like a sick joke. 


I read some advice recently...that when you feel the pain of IF, to really feel it, explore it, then have courage and keep going. I'm thankful that after I came home from my surgery in October, without my fallopian tubes, so confused, my heart feeling numb, that I had my incredible husband with me that first week, when every minute dragged on. I really believe had he not been here that week, had I not had him to cry with and hug as much as I needed and wanted to, my spirit wouldn't have been able to fight back so strongly. I needed to grieve, and do it by fully being in the deep end.


I'm not the same woman who woke up from surgery, feeling so free, so excited about the journey ahead of us..before I learned from my husband what had happened. I'm survived the absolute worst night of my life that night, alone in the hospital. I changed after the new, stronger, harder me emerged from the numbing pain of those weeks. 


And the changed me is so excited about starting IVF, about the all the possibility it brings me and my Mister.



Sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes..the words were just spilling out..


:)